Absence

by Dean Murray

Copyright 2010 Dean Murray

Lacy blinked a couple of times, ridding her eyelashes of some of the gently falling snow, as she zipped up her light jacket. It wasn’t really all that cold, but the moonless night and the huge snowflakes made her feel like she was the only person alive for miles. Even the infrequent suburb streetlights, all verging on being swallowed by the inky darkness, served only to highlight the dark emptiness of the rest of the night.

Crossing a street, and passing through one of the tiny pools of light, Lacy wondered if anyone had noticed when she slipped out of her home. Fresh snow crunched under the seventeen year old’s feet, as she reached a brightly-lit house. In stark contrast to its silent, dark neighbors, the house and yard before her seemed to be welcoming Christmas. The floodlights and nativity weren’t enough to breathe a trace of warm cheer back into her. Not even the countless strands of lights woven through the branches of snow-covered trees managed to do that.

Even more welcoming than the cheery yard, were the lights blazing inside the house, a softly-glowing fire was just visible through partially-open curtains.

Lacy hadn’t planned on ending up here when she set out from her house. In all fairness she hadn’t really planned period. She’d just known that something was bothering her, and she needed some time to think.

Minutes had turned to hours, and the blocks became miles. Halfway across town Lacy realized that she still didn’t know what it was that had been eating at her for the last week or two. It was too bad that she couldn’t talk to Dan.

That is what I always do when something is bothering me, I talk to Dan and he somehow makes everything ok, or at least survivable. For the last year he has been my best friend, the person I could tell anything, but now he doesn’t have time for me.

Waiting for a light to change, Lacy had kicked at the thin cover of snow on the ground. That isn’t fair. He doesn’t mean to let me down, he is just super busy now that he is Student Body President. College applications, studying for tests, it all adds up. He was busy before, but with all of the new stuff this year something had to go, I just didn’t think it would be me.

Crossing Main Street, Lacy had finally admitted to herself that her fading relationship with Dan was exactly what was bothering her. It took eight more blocks before she realized exactly why. Friends tend to come and go in high school, especially now. The days of best friends remaining together from kindergarten on were pretty much gone. The problem wasn’t that Lacy was losing her best friend, it was that she had fallen in love without even realizing it. Looking up at the street signs, she’d realized she was only a few blocks from Dan’s house. Overcome by a sudden sense of boldness she decided to go and tell him what she had been thinking.

Now here she was, stepping back a little farther into the shadows as she tried to regain the courage that had brought her this far, tried to fight the loneliness and doubts that had plagued her all week.

It won’t work. He doesn’t think of me as anything more than a friend. He’s always telling me I should ask out Jimmy Gines, and when I tell him I’ll ask Jimmy when he asks Teresa he gets really quiet like he wishes he had the courage to ask her out. I’m not blond, or pretty like her. There isn’t anyway I can compete with her, especially not if he already has a crush on her.

A pair of lights went out in the house as someone headed towards bed, and Lacy’s heart sank a little farther. I’ll never do it, I’ll just sit here for a couple of hours, watch all of the lights go out, and then go home hating myself for not having done something.

A tiny quiver started to build inside Lacy as if her emotions had become too much to contain. It just wasn’t fair. She was so tired of not having anyone. Her parents were too busy fighting to even remember she existed most of the time. Instead of a loving family and a secure warm home, Lacy had a tiny frozen void in the center of her heart. A cold spot that seemed to be growing now that she knew that Dan wouldn’t be the one to fill it.

Lacy thought about going back to school after the break and seeing Dan again. Instead of the comfort that she’d always drawn from thoughts of her friend, she was nearly overwhelmed by despair. He’ll start hanging out with someone else, maybe even Teresa, and I’ll have to watch from afar. He’ll be happy and I’ll be so lonely.

The quivering had reached her outsides now, but somehow Lacy managed to take a few steps towards the house, passing a pair of brightly lit trees. I can do it. I’ll walk up to the door, and tell him that I’m falling in love with him.

Lacy made it halfway up the driveway before she started thinking about how everything was likely to play out. Dan would answer the door smiling, and then as Lacy started to tell him how she felt, his smile would change a little.

I’ve seen that smile a hundred times. The one that’s a bit forced, a tad awkward. It’s his “how do I handle the next few minutes without hurting someone’s feelings,” smile, the one he uses when he feels like he has to do something just to be nice. He uses it all the time when people want to hang out with him as a way to become more ‘popular’, but he hasn’t ever used it with me before.

Confident steps slowed, and became tentative before stopping altogether. In that instant Lacy gave up any hope that Dan could ever be interested in her. She had seen the way he looked at the girls he was attracted to, and he hadn’t ever looked at her that way.

If I do this I’ll drive him away. He won’t mean to put more distance between us, but it will be too uncomfortable for both of us, and it will only be a matter of a week or two and it will be over. By the end we won’t even be friends.

That smile would be the gentlest form of rejection that anyone could possibly offer, but it would be rejection nevertheless, and Lacy couldn’t possibly survive having her best friend turn away from her like that.

Tears started to pool in her eyes, sliding down her face and falling to join the snow covering her jacket. I guess I’m a coward. At least this way I’ll have a little bit of time with him before we drift completely apart. Maybe by then I’ll be able to find another friend to help dull the loneliness.

The last light in the house went out as Lacy turned and stumbled through the ankle-deep snow. The tears were coming so fast now that she couldn’t see, causing her to trip over something partially hidden in the snow on her way back to the road.

Lacy heard a door slam shut behind her, and sobbing she struggled back to her feet, seeking to flee before someone tried to come and help her.

Running across the road Lacy heard Dan calling her name, and some traitor part of her stopped just short of the darkness, turning so she could see him running through the snow towards her.

“Lacy, what are you doing? Your parents just called, they said that you left home hours ago. I told them you weren’t here, but then I looked outside and there you were.”

Sliding gracefully to a halt before her, Dan cocked his head to the side. “What’s wrong, are they fighting again?”

Lacy shook her head and turned to walk away, but Dan gently grabbed her arm. “Wait, let me drive you home, you’ll freeze in that.”

Looking down at his bare feet, Dan shrugged. “Not that I really have any room to talk mind you.”

Lacy knew that she was supposed to laugh at the comment, but it just drove home how much she was going to miss him, and the resulting wave of sadness and loss made her want to cry again.

As Lacy turned her head so that he wouldn’t be able to read her like he usually could, Dan reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek. “What’s the matter?”

Lacy started to tell him to leave her alone, but as she looked into his eyes, the words somehow changed before they left her mouth. “Once there was a girl who’s best friend started to drift away from her. She tried to be understanding, but it just kept getting worse, and she missed him more and more every day.”

A fresh wave of loss rolled through Lacy as she paused. “One night she couldn’t take it anymore. She started walking only to find herself at his house.”

Dan opened his mouth, concern blossoming in his eyes, but Lacy shook her head and continued in a whisper. “The real problem though is that on the way there she realized that she fell in love with him a long time ago.”

Lacy couldn’t look up at Dan now, but she forced the words past the lump in her throat.

“So she sat outside his house and hoped that somehow he’d know she was out there. That he would come outside, wrap his arms around her, and take away the crushing loneliness.”

The tears were back now, and Lacy couldn’t bring herself to say anything else. Not that anything else was really needed, after what she had just said the next words out of his mouth would be to tell her, as kindly as he was able that they couldn’t ever be anything more than friends.

A pair of seconds passed, awkward in their solemnity, and then Dan reached out and tenderly pulled Lacy towards him. Coming to rest against his chest, Lacy felt Dan’s tears trickle through the snow on the top of her head, and slide down her already-wet cheek.

–THE END–